So I was talking to a friend tonight, driving endlessly in circles trying to hash out some bad perspectives and general listlessness, when I recalled something my dad had told me over breakfast years ago. It pertains mostly to romantic relationships, but I feel like it’s general applications are limitless.
In all relationships, it is absolutely essential that you retain your individuality
This may come as common sense or a total no-brainer to some, but for anyone who feels intrigued, read on.
We are separate people, with separate, unique desires, motivations, mentalities, and concepts. It is natural for these pieces that we hold to fit with some people and not fit for others. When a lot of pieces mesh, you move from being casual acquaintances to friends, and depending on genders and lifestyles, even more. However, you are still two people holding your puzzle pieces between yourselves. You may notice that when you assemble this picture, both you and your partner have pieces that are not being used. Remember that.
We all are guilty of a certain amount of what I will call “Shadowing” for this rant. This a behavior where we inadvertently or deliberately morph ourselves into paragons of our partner’s desires. In an extreme example, I once witnessed a close friend completely alter his behavior and even physical appearance for his girlfriend. While I respect a suggestion such as “I would like you to dress a little nicer,” it becomes especially bizarre when someone starts to dye his or her hair and talk about piercings or tattoos he or she has never entertained having before. Often the pretense of “oh I’ve always wanted that” shows up. Be wary of this, as it is often a shielding lie.
This happens to all of us. Sometimes, it’s a parent-child relationship, or a boss-employee. They expect you to be this THING. And in order to be the most desirable, super-bestest person in their sight, you completely conform and become this THING.
There are several problems with this. As much as becoming the perfect knight standing inside the picture frame of their desire would seem ideal, it is paradoxically incredibly boring for the other person. They won’t realize it right away, because you’ve captured all of their ideals, but suddenly you are no longer appealing. Maybe they caught onto your insincerity. Maybe it was because you no longer leave anything to be desired. You are a candy bar they have finished eating. It may have been a fantastic candy bar, but it’s all eaten now. And now the cheating begins. The aloofness. Suddenly your partner becomes irritable because everywhere they go, they have this stupid Shadow that’s following them around. It does everything they want them to, but at the same time your unhappiness destroys them, even if its for unrelated reasons. They start to nag at you, begging you to tell them what they can do, and when you were only angry because you’ve been standing for the last ten hours, it becomes all the more frustrating having some yappy Shadow begging you to be happy and looking positively miserable that you aren’t.
Leaving someone else the sole keyholder to your happiness is a bad idea. It’s a lot of responsibility and no one wants that, nor can anyone really handle that much responsibility on top of having a job and family.
Let’s look at the puzzle again. You have become a shadow, holding only your partner’s pieces and forgetting all of your own. All of a sudden, you have half of a picture. Your separate but complementing abilities are lost.
Worse yet, you are now overextending yourself into being a Shadow that you are not meant to be. You cannot support this ruse forever. You can lie to yourself and say “I’ve always wanted to be like this,” but your spirit cannot constantly support an unnatural state of being. Some of us may argue that we can adapt to whatever state we wish, but I argue that we as creatures have certain ways that are hardwired into us, by genetics or childhood environment, whatever. Eventually, the charade starts to crack as you become bored with your mask, but are so afraid of being alone that you don’t put it down.
Paradoxically, giving your partner everything leaves you both with nothing.
My father came to realize something after a particular cataclysm that will go undescribed. A couple or a group is a unit, yes. A team, yes. But it is a sum of individuals. When their abilities and mentalities overlap, complement, and coexist, a true relationship is born. They become a team, better than before because they each bring something unique to the table. If suddenly three of the four people decided they would mimic the fourth but without the same set of core skills or beliefs, no matter how hard they tried, they would be impostors at best, and the team would suffer for the lost contributions of their once unique perspectives.
Not wishing to be pessimistic, we must also look ahead. We all have to come to terms with one day, we will be alone again. Something will come between you and your partner(s), whether you eventually just can’t come to an agreement and separate, or a freak car crash steals your partner from you, or mere age eventually takes its toll. The only way you’re squeaking out of this is if you die first, and that’s a pretty bleak thing to hope for. You are perfectly allowed to mourn for a friend lost, to cherish and long for the wonderful times, but all in all, you are still a person. Were you to remember that you were your own person, you would have a moderate list of hobbies and friends that were not your partner to bring you happiness, and help you move on. It’s okay. We’re sorry, but it’s okay. You will stand on your own two feet and feel the sun on your face again.
And so you gather up your puzzle pieces. Your partner’s pieces are mostly gone. Maybe he or she left a few with you, and maybe you’ve lost some of your own pieces that you weren’t using, or maybe you even found a few new ones in your travels. You start fitting the pieces with others, and someday, a new magical combination will be born. This time, it’s a different picture. Instead of really synching on your love of American football and red wine, you harmonize on rock climbing and fried food (something your past love hated). So your new partner has no taste for wine, and that piece gets set aside, and the whole thing begins anew.
Take this all as the ranting of a young college graduate who took maybe one or two psyche courses. I’m not a psychologist, merely observant. You are allowed your own opinion. But this is mine, and I wished to offer it, perhaps as a beacon shining to people who may have lost their way.
